Guess what?

I have internet again! I know, I kind of never came back to say that I wasn't going to have it and so you all just think that I'm dead or that I forgot my blog existed, but neither of those things happened, I swear.

A lot has happened in the last few months so I owe a very long, overly-detailed post to explain and then I should be back regularly. Sorry about disappearing, sorry about the too-long post to come, you're totally allowed to ignore it. But promise to tune back in when I get back on track!

Damn, I have way too much to update here. But anyway, welcome back, me!

It's been a while

I've been promising a post for a long time, and I'm sorry that I haven't come through. Things have been chaotic, which wasn't unexpected with a newborn. I feel like I should be coming here to brag about this adorable little boy on a regular basis, but I'm sure I do that enough on Facebook anyway.

So let's talk about something real.

I've been battling a severe depression in the few months since I had my baby. I feel like nothing is going right. I don't have a job, which doesn't mean that Mark isn't getting the things he needs, only that I'm not helping to provide those things for him. I don't have a home specifically for my family, which means that Daniel and I still don't live together, and that's killing me every day. It's hard raising a baby almost completely alone; it's even harder knowing that your partner wants nothing more than to help you but can't, because he isn't allowed to stay with you. I resent that fact.

No one should have to fight depression and raise a baby at the same time, but so many women do. I'm sorry to everyone who is suffering along with me, because it's one of the most painful things I've ever experienced. I'm glad that it's not hindering my ability to care of my child, because I don't know what I would do if it did. I already feel so guilty knowing that I'm sad at times that I should be happy for him, or that I blame myself so harshly for these little things that no one would be able to help, not even myself.

It's hard not being able to talk about how you feel because everyone thinks it's a cry for attention. Which, maybe it is; maybe I do need attention once in a while, because no one should have to suffer through these kinds of feelings alone. But I feel like speaking them out loud makes me weak, totally pathetic, and I feel like I'm supposed to keep them inside to be a good mom. I feel like I have to keep looking strong even though I've never felt so weak in my entire life.

As far as I can tell it's not overtaking my relationship with Mark, at least not in a way that's damaging, but it's definitely overtaking the rest of my life. I feel like I can't interact with people like I used to, although that may just be the fact that I am such a different person that I was a year ago, even just a few months ago.

I love this little boy more than anything on the planet, and I'm so thankful that his dad is still here for both of us. We've had our problems, again mostly thanks to the depression, but we've battled through them together, and, at least at the present time, we're going stronger than we ever have. This is helping, and I'm more thankful to have Daniel in my life than I will ever be able to explain to him.

More positives? I'm working on a job that I hope I get, because this means so much more for us in the near future. A home, a better car, whatever our baby wants instead of just what he needs. Breastfeeding is going amazingly well. My son is beautiful. And Daniel has been telling me the most amazing things that probably don't need to be said, but which lift me up in ways that I've really been needing. Like reminders that this is the longest and best relationship he's ever had, that I'm beautiful, that he's happier than he's ever been.

I needed to know.



PS: Okay, now to 'brag' a little bit. :)

12/7/11, this (almost) my favorite face. We call it the turtle because of the way he stretches his neck out. :)

12/8/11, first shoes

12/17/11

12/18/11

12/21/11, big yawn

12/24/11, two months

1/10/12

1/10/12, with daddy

1/10/12, all of us.

This only includes a few pictures from December and January. Trust me, I have about a million more. He was born on the 24th of October so I will try putting together a post with pictures from birth until now. It's amazing how much he's grown already!

I hope you all haven't given up on this blog, and I'm sorry that I probably did there for a while. I really need to update things around here. This isn't the best post and it's pretty depressing but it's something I needed to get out, and now it's something that's actually here. I probably need somewhere to get these thoughts out of my head again, so I'm going to try to do this regularly.

Here's hoping.

Yikes, me.

So...my laptop is broken again. I know, I'm made of suck. I don't know how I keep doing this, but I'm very angry with myself over it. Ugh.

Also, I'm apparently too stupid to use the auto-post feature, because that post that I promised what, weeks ago? Never happened. Because I set it to post while I was away and it just never did. I'm freaking sorry, for the millionth time.

I've been very busy, which I'm sure anyone with a newborn will understand. I hate that I haven't been here though. This blog was therapeutic for me, something that I could show my baby someday, and entertaining for my friends and family (who really want me to start updating again, so I guess I'm going to try that...as often as I can get on a computer now). My choices right now are to use my cell phone or my dad's shitty laptop. Neither option is very exciting, but I'll take what I can get when I can.

As far as the rest of my life goes, Mark was one month old on Thanksgiving and will be two on Christmas Eve. I'm finally feeling more normal, though we're still working on a sleep schedule and I still haven't driven since probably two weeks before delivery. My first time back behind the wheel will probably be this Friday, and I'm honestly incredibly nervous. But hey, life has to go on.

I also applied for a job today, so wish me luck on that. If I get it, I will be an assistant to the librarian at my local library, which I love. And we've been applying for some apartments, so I'm very hopeful about that too. I just want things to start getting better...living at home with a two month old whose dad can't stay to help us is incredibly overwhelming.

Anyway, I have a lot to update on, but it's 4:30 in the morning and I just wanted to update quickly while Mark is asleep. As it is, I should probably be sleeping too. I owe a lot more than is included here and will be back to give it as soon as I can keep my eyes open...ha, like that's ever! Just kidding. But seriously, birth story coming up as soon as possible. I do want to fix it up a little more now since it didn't post...might as well take that opportunity.

Also, I'm considering jumping over to WordPress...thoughts on that?

In progress

So I'm currently working on a post for you guys with the birth story and my feelings and whatever else. I just don't want to post it until it feels finished. Like perfect. So there's that.

Soon, guys, soon. :) Sorry it's taken so long. I've been busy with this little dude...who is currently asking for my attention. Sigh, give me a little more time!

WELCOME October :)

I missed my week 40 post, which is just wrong of me considering I've gone through this whole pregnancy hoping and praying and wishing I could meet my perfect little boy, and then I just don't show up to the finish line? My bad.

Well, I made it to my due date with no signs of dilation. It was pretty frustrating. And then the doctor asked me to show up to the hospital Monday morning (the 24th) to be induced. I was considering broaching the subject myself but was a little freaked out by it, and didn't expect him to be the one to bring it up. "That baby's going to come out," he said, "it just may take a little longer this way."

I was scared shitless, I'm not even going to lie.

So on October 24th, four days later than he was supposed to, Mark Allen came into the world. I walked into Labor and Delivery at 7 that morning, had my water broken at 830, and labored for hoooours. About 9 that night I started pushing and we welcomed our precious little guy into the world at 9:51 pm.

I had an amazing nurse who absolutely fell in love with my boy, and a very good team of nurses in the Mother/Baby wing who had already heard of him before we were moved over because of the first. Haha. They would walk in and say, "Oh, you really are adorable!" or something along those lines, and pretty much all of them fell in love with him. One in particular who helped me immensely with my breastfeeding issues and was just a wonderful support in general. I loved her.

And it's true, Mark's absolutely adorable. He's perfect, the most perfect little thing I've ever seen in my entire life. He hardly fusses, sleeps pretty well, is finally feeding better (before he just wanted to sleep, it was such a hassle to wake him up long enough to feed).

I do get the blues every once in a while because Daniel and I didn't get into our own place before the baby came. It was my number one hope, but we're dealing with it. And we're great together, so we're going to make it through this. We're going to be okay for a very, very long time.

I couldn't be happier. :)

I'll have to get a little more detailed when I don't have a little boy sleeping on my chest. Apparently my typing is bothering him, because he keeps wiggling back and forth. ;)